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Saturday, November 7, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Gay Pride?
Time for my blog about gay guys.
"I am gay, and I am proud of being gay." You hear every second gay guy with a limp wrist speak these words with a fake smile. I disagree.
What is there to be proud about being gay anyhow? Yay! I am gay! I fall in love with people of the same gender as my self! I am SO proud of myself! Well... to be honest, if that is all that is needed to make someone proud, they have rather low standards.
Before I start the REAL rant here, I want to make clear this does NOT judge EVERY gay out there. Just so, so many of them. Gay guys comes with different views and so on like everyone else, however this is my own personal judgement of many of them.
Men are horny animals. That has been proven by many years of studies and research and they think about sex a lot more than women apparently. I have never been a woman so I can't validate the statement, but it makes sense. If a guy fucks around and have had more than 100 partners, he is a stud. If a woman does the same, she is a whore. Why is it okay for guys, gay or straight, to fuck around while women are slutty if they do so? But that was just a sidetrack anyhow, not what I was intending to rant about. Men are horny and want to have sex more than women says the scientists. So it is just natural that gay guys fuck around a lot, since both guys are horny animals. But come ON!
I have been a member of some gay communities since I was 16, and I must say that I am disgusted. The number of just pure disgusting sugestions I have come across is just... I actually don't find words for it. Who actually thinks "You want to meet me in this public bathroom and fuck?" is a good pick-up line? What happened to some kind of flirting, building up some kind of excitement before you jump into bed?
And no, I am not innocent myself. I have had sex-dates and I have had plenty of one-night stands. HOWEVER, they all started by talking with the person first, getting to know him just a little and you know, get comfortable before you jump into bed. Unless I was so drunk I can't really remember any of it anyhow, but what you can't remember didn't happen! =0P
Don't understand me wrong, I think sex is both healthy and fun for you. I think people should have sex, have fun and be happy. I am just SO sick of the gay-community thinking that every fucking thing has to be about sex. Seriously, are most gay guys THAT shallow? I don't know how many people that I have found interesting that I have just replied "I have a boyfriend" or "Sorry, you are not my type.".... What The Fuck? Why do they think I want to have sex with them or are interested in anything more than getting to know them?
Then we have the thing about appearance. I am fully aware that I am no more than average looking and I am overweight. However it seems that if you don't look like a supermodel, are skinny or a body-builder, no one even want to talk to you within the gay-community. How cam someone be too ugly to be a friend? Yes, if it actually is extremely embarressing to be seen with that person, then I can understand it. I am not THAT ugly afterall. In my eyes, a friend is valued by his inside rather than his outside. As long as he is a good friend, I dont care what he looks like.
Another thing I have been annoyed about is that if you are gay, you are assumed to be interested in fashion, good with decoration and so on and so forth. The classical stereotypes, basically. If that actually IS your interests, thats fine. But don't fucking think I am good with fashion just because I am gay. And if other gay guys change into that because they think they have to, I truly feel sorry for them.
So when people stand up and say "I am proud to be gay" I look at them as if they have done mad. I am gay and I am not ashamed that I fall in love with other men. However I am not proud to be gay either.
I am actually very ashamed that I have to be compared to that freakshow.
I am proud to be me!
"I am gay, and I am proud of being gay." You hear every second gay guy with a limp wrist speak these words with a fake smile. I disagree.
What is there to be proud about being gay anyhow? Yay! I am gay! I fall in love with people of the same gender as my self! I am SO proud of myself! Well... to be honest, if that is all that is needed to make someone proud, they have rather low standards.
Before I start the REAL rant here, I want to make clear this does NOT judge EVERY gay out there. Just so, so many of them. Gay guys comes with different views and so on like everyone else, however this is my own personal judgement of many of them.
Men are horny animals. That has been proven by many years of studies and research and they think about sex a lot more than women apparently. I have never been a woman so I can't validate the statement, but it makes sense. If a guy fucks around and have had more than 100 partners, he is a stud. If a woman does the same, she is a whore. Why is it okay for guys, gay or straight, to fuck around while women are slutty if they do so? But that was just a sidetrack anyhow, not what I was intending to rant about. Men are horny and want to have sex more than women says the scientists. So it is just natural that gay guys fuck around a lot, since both guys are horny animals. But come ON!
I have been a member of some gay communities since I was 16, and I must say that I am disgusted. The number of just pure disgusting sugestions I have come across is just... I actually don't find words for it. Who actually thinks "You want to meet me in this public bathroom and fuck?" is a good pick-up line? What happened to some kind of flirting, building up some kind of excitement before you jump into bed?
And no, I am not innocent myself. I have had sex-dates and I have had plenty of one-night stands. HOWEVER, they all started by talking with the person first, getting to know him just a little and you know, get comfortable before you jump into bed. Unless I was so drunk I can't really remember any of it anyhow, but what you can't remember didn't happen! =0P
Don't understand me wrong, I think sex is both healthy and fun for you. I think people should have sex, have fun and be happy. I am just SO sick of the gay-community thinking that every fucking thing has to be about sex. Seriously, are most gay guys THAT shallow? I don't know how many people that I have found interesting that I have just replied "I have a boyfriend" or "Sorry, you are not my type.".... What The Fuck? Why do they think I want to have sex with them or are interested in anything more than getting to know them?
Then we have the thing about appearance. I am fully aware that I am no more than average looking and I am overweight. However it seems that if you don't look like a supermodel, are skinny or a body-builder, no one even want to talk to you within the gay-community. How cam someone be too ugly to be a friend? Yes, if it actually is extremely embarressing to be seen with that person, then I can understand it. I am not THAT ugly afterall. In my eyes, a friend is valued by his inside rather than his outside. As long as he is a good friend, I dont care what he looks like.
Another thing I have been annoyed about is that if you are gay, you are assumed to be interested in fashion, good with decoration and so on and so forth. The classical stereotypes, basically. If that actually IS your interests, thats fine. But don't fucking think I am good with fashion just because I am gay. And if other gay guys change into that because they think they have to, I truly feel sorry for them.
So when people stand up and say "I am proud to be gay" I look at them as if they have done mad. I am gay and I am not ashamed that I fall in love with other men. However I am not proud to be gay either.
I am actually very ashamed that I have to be compared to that freakshow.
I am proud to be me!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Another one bites the dust
As I suspected, I am not a good blogger. I tend to get so involved with other things, I forget to write anything... But hey! Trust me. In my hours of darkness, this will be the place I escape. I just have to remember to write even when things are NOT bad. Like now.
But before I start, I have to run down and grab a cigarette... There we go. So, what should I rant on about today? I think I will go on about love. Because love is something I just don't believe in anymore. Perhaps a bit cynical of me, but nonetheless it has been proven to me time after time to be a cruel emotion that cause nothing but pain.
I am a kind of person that doesnt fall in love very often, and when I do it is usually the wrong person. When I say the wrong person I mean that the person is either straight or otherwice not obtainable by myself. Let's be honest, I am not the best looking guy on the market, I have my issues and I certainly don't have the money needed to achieve "sugar-daddy" title. Nor am I old enough yet, but hey... Atleast age comes with time.
And I think my emotions are a little... damaged. When I actually get interested in a person who I can get, and I manage to get that person, I grow tired of them very fast. It's like I enjoy the hunt, but once I reach the goal then the exitement is gone. It has been like that with my two last relationships, and some other flings that I havent brought to the next level.
Right now I have a guy sleeping on my sofa. He has been here for a week now, and I have not in any way hit on him, even though he is rather cute, gay and single. However I am afraid to get burnt again and all my logical senses tell me it will just be a disaster to try anything. But then again, thinking like that only makes me more keen to actually try my luck. I know, it's wierd and sick in a way... If I had sensed any kind of interest from him, I probably would have... But the fact that he has slept on the sofa every time he has been here, even though I have asked if he would prefer sleeping in my bed is kind of a hint... But I do think he has flirted a little, but I am not sure. So I will just leave it be.
Not that inviting someone to sleep in my bed would lead anywhere. I usually ask people who sleep here if they want to sleep in my bed because it IS large and I do enjoy having another person next to me while sleeping, it keeps the nightmares away... And sleeping in the same bed does not mean you will have sex or anything. Actually... I am not THAT keen on sex, it's all... messy and sweaty... I prefer cuddling with a person I like. Just to have someone to hold or holding me, that is so much better. I guess I just long for the feeling of safety... The feeling of protection against the world and for a brief moment I am not lonely.
But love? Nah... Love is just something writers and poets have made to be a larger issue than it really is. Love is like a balance-act on a sharp sword, with rosebushes on either side. Even if you manage to stay on the sword, you will still be cut from the blade. And when you loose your balance, the thorny bushes are there to catch you.
Whoever invented love, was a very cruel person.
But before I start, I have to run down and grab a cigarette... There we go. So, what should I rant on about today? I think I will go on about love. Because love is something I just don't believe in anymore. Perhaps a bit cynical of me, but nonetheless it has been proven to me time after time to be a cruel emotion that cause nothing but pain.
I am a kind of person that doesnt fall in love very often, and when I do it is usually the wrong person. When I say the wrong person I mean that the person is either straight or otherwice not obtainable by myself. Let's be honest, I am not the best looking guy on the market, I have my issues and I certainly don't have the money needed to achieve "sugar-daddy" title. Nor am I old enough yet, but hey... Atleast age comes with time.
And I think my emotions are a little... damaged. When I actually get interested in a person who I can get, and I manage to get that person, I grow tired of them very fast. It's like I enjoy the hunt, but once I reach the goal then the exitement is gone. It has been like that with my two last relationships, and some other flings that I havent brought to the next level.
Right now I have a guy sleeping on my sofa. He has been here for a week now, and I have not in any way hit on him, even though he is rather cute, gay and single. However I am afraid to get burnt again and all my logical senses tell me it will just be a disaster to try anything. But then again, thinking like that only makes me more keen to actually try my luck. I know, it's wierd and sick in a way... If I had sensed any kind of interest from him, I probably would have... But the fact that he has slept on the sofa every time he has been here, even though I have asked if he would prefer sleeping in my bed is kind of a hint... But I do think he has flirted a little, but I am not sure. So I will just leave it be.
Not that inviting someone to sleep in my bed would lead anywhere. I usually ask people who sleep here if they want to sleep in my bed because it IS large and I do enjoy having another person next to me while sleeping, it keeps the nightmares away... And sleeping in the same bed does not mean you will have sex or anything. Actually... I am not THAT keen on sex, it's all... messy and sweaty... I prefer cuddling with a person I like. Just to have someone to hold or holding me, that is so much better. I guess I just long for the feeling of safety... The feeling of protection against the world and for a brief moment I am not lonely.
But love? Nah... Love is just something writers and poets have made to be a larger issue than it really is. Love is like a balance-act on a sharp sword, with rosebushes on either side. Even if you manage to stay on the sword, you will still be cut from the blade. And when you loose your balance, the thorny bushes are there to catch you.
Whoever invented love, was a very cruel person.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Day One
Alright, so let's get this baby started. Before I start my complaining, I will introduce myself a little.
My name is not important, so that is about the only thing I will not share openly, but the people who want to know will have no trouble figuring it out eventually, and the people who know me will also know who I am with no trouble at all should they stumble on this page by accident.
I am currently 25 years old and I live in Norway. "Well, if you are from Norway, why do you write in english?" Well, that is a question I have answered many times. Basically it is because I find norwegian a very limited language. A language hard to express myself in. Secondly it is because I have lived in Sweden for 10 years, and went to the majority of my school-period in swedish schools, so I actually feel more comfortable writing swedish than I do norwegian. So I have decided to write in english because I can actually express myself better in english, although it is my third language. But as it is my third language, I do mistakes. Grammar and sometimes spelling... You will just have to live with that. As long as you get the whole picture, I am not fuzzed about a word here and a sentence there.
So, as I said, I am 25 years old, live in Norway and I am gay. And no, this will not be my chronicles of conquests, listing and giving explicit details about my sexlife, however I have marked this blog as inapproperiate just because it gives me freedom, should I be tempted to write curses and juicy descriptions. I am just covering my own back and making sure that no one will close me down.
So, who am I? Well, that is complicated, and sometimes I don't even know the answer to that question myself. Really, I don't. I know the basic stuff, my interests, my experiences, my CV and so on and so forth. But does that really define me as a human being? I don't know... The funny things is that now, by writing this, my anxiety is creeping up on me and my hands start shaking, making me get ashes into the keyboard while typing. Why, I wonder. Is it so hard for me to try and identify myself? Is it so hard to think about who the fuck I am? I mean, it is a simple question, isn't it?
I have been struggling the last 10 years with different things when it comes to mental health. I have been suffering from depressions, anxiety attacks, strange thoughts, ADD and so much more. Basically, no one would consider me to be a stable person. Well, thats a lie. No one that KNOW me will consider me to be that. I am very good at hiding what I feel, what I think and keep it inside. I have experienced friends running for their lives to get away from me once I shared the "True Me" with them, although I consider myself harmless. I just don't want to bother other people around me with my problems, when we live in a world where everyone has problems of their own. I know I am not the only person who struggles, I know I am better of than so many other people in the world. So don't get me wrong, I know.
Right now I am on sick-leave, well basically I got fired just before I went on sickleave. I have had troubles keeping a job or keeping a hold of my life for as long as I can remember. And then there is the things I just cant remember. Funny how the mind just blocks those memories it doesnt want to remember out... Just... Black parts. Usually I can remember it slightly when someone talks about it, then it fades away again. I used to work as an IT-Consultant and salesman, so I guess you can call me a geek. I have always been, actually. When I was younger I used to play Roleplaying games like Dungeons & Dragons and so on, and I still play a lot of games. One of them used to be World of Warcraft, and I will probably start playing it again some day. So yes, I am a geek and that is one thing that does not bother me at all, to be honest.
Other than that I love photgraphy, diving and being out in the forest... Not that I am out in the forest very often, but I do love it there... So. That me in a nutshell.
Hmm, I have the distinct feeling that this blog will be a lot of rambling. A lot of ranting... Just a lot of words, basically. Someone might enjoy reading it though. I know I will, in the future. More like a diary than a blog. A letter to myself.
My name is not important, so that is about the only thing I will not share openly, but the people who want to know will have no trouble figuring it out eventually, and the people who know me will also know who I am with no trouble at all should they stumble on this page by accident.
I am currently 25 years old and I live in Norway. "Well, if you are from Norway, why do you write in english?" Well, that is a question I have answered many times. Basically it is because I find norwegian a very limited language. A language hard to express myself in. Secondly it is because I have lived in Sweden for 10 years, and went to the majority of my school-period in swedish schools, so I actually feel more comfortable writing swedish than I do norwegian. So I have decided to write in english because I can actually express myself better in english, although it is my third language. But as it is my third language, I do mistakes. Grammar and sometimes spelling... You will just have to live with that. As long as you get the whole picture, I am not fuzzed about a word here and a sentence there.
So, as I said, I am 25 years old, live in Norway and I am gay. And no, this will not be my chronicles of conquests, listing and giving explicit details about my sexlife, however I have marked this blog as inapproperiate just because it gives me freedom, should I be tempted to write curses and juicy descriptions. I am just covering my own back and making sure that no one will close me down.
So, who am I? Well, that is complicated, and sometimes I don't even know the answer to that question myself. Really, I don't. I know the basic stuff, my interests, my experiences, my CV and so on and so forth. But does that really define me as a human being? I don't know... The funny things is that now, by writing this, my anxiety is creeping up on me and my hands start shaking, making me get ashes into the keyboard while typing. Why, I wonder. Is it so hard for me to try and identify myself? Is it so hard to think about who the fuck I am? I mean, it is a simple question, isn't it?
I have been struggling the last 10 years with different things when it comes to mental health. I have been suffering from depressions, anxiety attacks, strange thoughts, ADD and so much more. Basically, no one would consider me to be a stable person. Well, thats a lie. No one that KNOW me will consider me to be that. I am very good at hiding what I feel, what I think and keep it inside. I have experienced friends running for their lives to get away from me once I shared the "True Me" with them, although I consider myself harmless. I just don't want to bother other people around me with my problems, when we live in a world where everyone has problems of their own. I know I am not the only person who struggles, I know I am better of than so many other people in the world. So don't get me wrong, I know.
Right now I am on sick-leave, well basically I got fired just before I went on sickleave. I have had troubles keeping a job or keeping a hold of my life for as long as I can remember. And then there is the things I just cant remember. Funny how the mind just blocks those memories it doesnt want to remember out... Just... Black parts. Usually I can remember it slightly when someone talks about it, then it fades away again. I used to work as an IT-Consultant and salesman, so I guess you can call me a geek. I have always been, actually. When I was younger I used to play Roleplaying games like Dungeons & Dragons and so on, and I still play a lot of games. One of them used to be World of Warcraft, and I will probably start playing it again some day. So yes, I am a geek and that is one thing that does not bother me at all, to be honest.
Other than that I love photgraphy, diving and being out in the forest... Not that I am out in the forest very often, but I do love it there... So. That me in a nutshell.
Hmm, I have the distinct feeling that this blog will be a lot of rambling. A lot of ranting... Just a lot of words, basically. Someone might enjoy reading it though. I know I will, in the future. More like a diary than a blog. A letter to myself.
Introduction
Alright. I am trying this again and I have no idea why, really. Why do I feel the need to write this when I can't get anything else done? Basically I think this is more for venting my own emotions rather than entertaining anyone else. So be warned and be prepared. This is my own innermost and darkest thoughts, my deepest secrets comming out in words. I will provoke people, I will hurt people and I will most likely be both silly, pathetic and just plain sad. Just remember that what is being written, is my mood and thoughts at that very moment. Usually, those thoughts and my mood changes dramatically from day to day, so don't read TOO much into it.
I am trying to this as much for therapeutic reasons as anything else. By writing down my thoughts, my feelings and my actions, I keep a record of it. I will be able to read back and perhaps view things differently. I will force myself to think about how I think, how I act and what is going on. I am honest, brutally honest here, as this is for me more than anything else.
Now, people will probably think of me as a Drama Queen. Self-pitying or screaming for attention. And maybe that is the truth. I do not know. The only thing I know is that I have to get things out, otherwice I will explode... or implode. I have to vent it somehow before I actually go crazy and do something I will regret for the rest of my life.
So, by reading this, you are accepting to step into a dark place, into my mind. Not everything in there is pretty, just as not everything is bad. I am hoping that this, some day, might be used as memoirs for myself to be able to write a book or something else that can help other people. I hope to provoke thoughts, and most of all understanding.
Hope you will have a nice reading and if you do not like what you read, there is a red cross up n the right corner for you to use.
I am trying to this as much for therapeutic reasons as anything else. By writing down my thoughts, my feelings and my actions, I keep a record of it. I will be able to read back and perhaps view things differently. I will force myself to think about how I think, how I act and what is going on. I am honest, brutally honest here, as this is for me more than anything else.
Now, people will probably think of me as a Drama Queen. Self-pitying or screaming for attention. And maybe that is the truth. I do not know. The only thing I know is that I have to get things out, otherwice I will explode... or implode. I have to vent it somehow before I actually go crazy and do something I will regret for the rest of my life.
So, by reading this, you are accepting to step into a dark place, into my mind. Not everything in there is pretty, just as not everything is bad. I am hoping that this, some day, might be used as memoirs for myself to be able to write a book or something else that can help other people. I hope to provoke thoughts, and most of all understanding.
Hope you will have a nice reading and if you do not like what you read, there is a red cross up n the right corner for you to use.
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